Bureau of Unsolicited Clarity · Desk 4 · No appointments
Funny You Should Ask
We answer the question. We do not improve the person who asked it.
NOTICE: If your question begins with “just wondering,” “quick one,” or “sorry to bother you,” it is already late, it is not quick, and you are not sorry.
Filed unread
Re: Is this a good time?
From the desk · 11:47 p.m. · It was not
You asked if this was a good time. It was a time. That is the most anyone can honestly claim for a Thursday.
A good time is a rumor started by people with two phones and no children. What you have is a gap between obligations in which you chose to send a question that could have been a search, a nap, or nothing.
The answer is no. Send it anyway. We are already awake. That is not an invitation. That is a diagnosis.
Yours in diminished goodwill, The Night Clerk
Re: Can I pick your brain?
Standard reply 14-B · laminated
No.
The phrase “pick your brain” is what people say when they would like a consulting engagement, a tour of someone else’s mistakes, and a sandwich, without paying for any of them. The brain in question is not a communal platter. It is rented by the hour and already behind on several worse ideas than yours.
If you have a specific question, write the specific question. If you do not have a specific question, you do not want a brain. You want an audience.
We do not do audiences. We do disposals.
Regards, Intake
Re: What would you do if you were me?
Returned to sender, spiritually
If I were you I would stop asking people who are not you how to be you. The results have been mixed and the sample size is one, which is already too many.
What I would do is close the laptop, drink water, and refrain from treating a stranger as a spare conscience with better lighting. What you will do is ask two more people and average the answers like a committee that meets in a group chat.
This is allowed. It is just not interesting.
With the warmth of a waiting room, Deputy of Rhetorical Services
Re: Do you remember me?
Memory department · understaffed on purpose
Yes. You are the person who said “we should do this again sometime” in a tone that meant we should not.
If that is inaccurate, congratulations: you have achieved the rare honor of being forgettable and still following up. Please do not send a photo to jog anything. Nothing needs jogging. Nothing is late. The race ended years ago and nobody put up a ribbon.
Cordially misplaced, Archives
Frequently Avoided Questions
Updated whenever someone learns nothing
Is this a real company?
It has a domain, a tone, and a refund policy that is mostly atmospheric. That is more infrastructure than several actual companies.
Do you offer coaching?
We offer shorter answers than coaching. Coaching is what happens when a person is paid to watch you discover, over twelve weeks, that you already knew.
Can you keep this confidential?
Yes. We forget professionally. It is our core competency and, on busy days, our entire business model.
Why didn’t you answer my last email?
We did. The answer was the silence, which you found insufficiently branded.
Is there a newsletter?
There was. It asked a question. Nobody funny answered. We took that as guidance.
Are you hiring?
Only if you can type, doubt yourself quietly, and resist the phrase “circling back.” Applicants who say they are “passionate about communication” will be filed under Weather.
Schedule of Fees
All prices in USD. Payment does not purchase warmth. Warmth is seasonal and currently back-ordered.
Unsolicited advice you will ignore: complimentary, which is why it stings.
A question that is actually a speech: $40 reading fee, non-refundable, because we did the reading.
Moral permission to quit: $75. Includes one sentence you may screenshot.
Moral permission to stay: $90. The extra fifteen dollars is for the disappointment.
Explaining your joke to a group chat: we don’t. If it needed a meeting, it wasn’t a joke.
Same-day reply after midnight: free, and a little sad for both of us.
Cats remain unpaid consultants. They have declined equity.
Submit an Inquiry
Be brief. If your question requires a preface, the preface is the problem.
About the Bureau
FunnyYouShouldAsk.com exists because some questions survive contact with Google, a spouse, and a long walk, and still arrive in an inbox like a wet dog.
We are not a help desk. We are not a community. We are the last adult in the thread who will say the obvious thing once, without a webinar.
If you came here from a nicer website, you took a wrong turn and then decorated it.
Unaffiliated with advice columnists, search engines, priests, and people who say “great question” when it is not.
